More Words of Wisdom from Neil...

"John Lennon once said, 'A man with his arms full of fast food, is either very hungry, or knows someone who is very hungry...'"

Aristotle turning over in his grave

Guantanamo is going to remain open for business.

I realize that I'm just a simple smart ass, but can somebody explain to me how denying people their rights makes us safer? Didn't the "Founding Fathers" that people are so proud of invoking have something to say about that?

A great songwriter I know once called that kind of thinking, "The Gospel of Bondage".

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm as afraid of terrorism as I am of us.

When you pry it from my cold dead fingers...

You know it makes me feel so much safer to know that I now have to worry about having my head blown off in a National Park just the same as every city street.

Overheard conversation

"My God, Dude. I am SOOO relieved that it's you that has to sing that horrible winner's song and not me..."

Scientific Discovery

Scientists say they've discovered the missing link...What took them so long? He was President for eight years.

Flashback...

Aren't these guys the
"Children of the Corn"?

Funny...

You ever notice you never see Roger Clemens and Brett Favre in the same room at the same time?

A Plea to Adam Lambert

Dude, please listen to me.

I know, I know. What does a "never was" father of five who lives in Plymouth, Indiana know about the music biz? Probably nothing, but I will tell you that I've probably spent enough money on vinyl, tape, plastic and computer code recordings to have bought Sony's music division by now. There were times in college I bought a new record before I bought food.

I've been in bands, but I've mostly listened to music. It's an incredible passion for me, and I honestly say that there are only two things on this earth I couldn't live without; my family and my music.

As a child of the 60's I was taught that music transcended the things that separated us. That when used for good, by those who had devoted themselves to enormous skill, it could actually change the world.

Then they figured out you could also make more money than God.

Adam, for those of us who still believe that music can change the world, would you please lose next week?

Watching your skill, your enigmatic persona, your chameleon like quality to jump from genre to genre without any apparent awkwardness, it reminds me of David Bowie who refused to be tied to any sort of label and has always gone where the music took him.

Your skill and stage presence reminds me of Freddie Mercury, once again amazing company.

Don't get caught in that 19 package. Let your creativity take you where it will. Don't spend the rest of your musical life making Ford Fusion videos, and safe pop music.

Challenge us. Ennoble us. Take our breath away this week, even if it means you lose.

Don't get me wrong. I like "Idol". It's compelling television, and who doesn't want to thrill at watching "Cinderella" from Farmersburg, Iowa go from unknown to the American Idol?

But you aren't Cinderella.

There will always be a Brittany Spears. There will always be a Michael Jackson.

I have to admit that I cried watching you sing "One" the other night, because those of us that are a little older know that there won't always be a Bono...or a David Bowie...or a Freddie Mercury...or a John Lennon.

You owe your allegiance to your conscience and your art. Not 19.

Over/Under

So what week of the NFL season will the first beer bottle be angrily thrown in Jay Cutler's general direction, either at Soldier Field or at the big screen?

I'm taking week three...of the pre-season. Anybody else?

The courage to carry on

NAPPANEE – It was just a simple headache.
“She was complaining and we took her to the eye doctor because we thought she might need glasses,” said Tonya Rohr of her daughter Keri’s headaches. “He saw some trouble with the optic nerves and sent us to a neurologist. That’s when he found it.”
What the neurologist found was a malignant brain tumor. Nine year old Keri Rohr’s life had drastically changed.
“She was healthy for the most part so she was a little angry with us for making her go through this, for taking her life away really,” said Tonya. “She can’t go to school, she isn’t with her friends. It’s hard.”
With a diagnosis on January 2, Keri was in surgery three days later and then underwent six weeks of radiation treatment in Bloomington. She and her mother had to relocate to southern Indiana for that period of time.
Now she’s back in Nappanee, but undergoing heavy chemotherapy which leaves her with good days and bad days.
“Sometimes when I wake up I don’t feel good and no food really sounds good to me,” said Keri. “They say my taste buds are changing because nothing really tastes good. I’ve kind of lost my appetite.”
“We’re watching her waste away. We try to keep calories in her but it’s hard,” said Tonya.
The illness has affected the whole family. Tonya had to give up her job, and while husband Don has his job at J & N Stone in Wakarusa, the economy has hit them too. In it all the family still has a lot to be thankful for.
“Our church family has really helped us get through all this,” said Tonya. “They’ve helped us through all the emotional stuff that goes with it. While we were down there they had somebody with us every single day just to find out if we needed anything or any other way to help. I really don’t know how they managed that but they did.”
Along with the members of Nappanee Missionary Church, Keri has had some other helpers.
“I’ve met some very good people,” she said. “I miss my friends but I’ve made some new friends too and that’s made me feel better. They help me out because they know what it feels like.”
Family members have rallied too, with a golf scramble at Sprig-O-Mint Golf Course in Bremen scheduled for June 6. The money raised will go to offset the expenses incurred by the family. Interested parties can call Sprig-O-Mint at 574-546-2640 or Carol Lanning at 574-209-1817.
Meanwhile Keri will keep fighting. She has written about her experience on a website www.caringbridge.org/visit/kerirohr.
“I think I’m going to get well,” she said. “I’ve heard a lot of stories about people who had it at 15 and now they’re 60 and nothing has happened.”

Really, Really Random Thoughts

If you put Rush Limbaugh alone in a room with...wait a minute that won't work. You have to put Rush Limbaugh alone in a room because there isn't room for anybody else.


Should we be frightened that the best news coverage in this country is "The Daily Show"?


The only thing worse than the writing on "The Hills" is the acting.


I wouldn't want to be anywhere near the "Apprentice" stage. After the amount of energy expended Joan Rivers will certainly have to "feed" soon.


I've reached a crossroads in my life. I am now the "Anti-Demographic" for MTV.


I honestly don't know my cholesterol number. I'm worried that someday I'm going to get cut and bleed butter.

More words of wisdom from Neil...

"Sleep gives you cancer...everybody knows that."

You know, I've heard people say they just want to bake him cookies, and so do I...

...But they'd have ex-lax in them.

Things Brett Favre can do to occupy himself

It has occurred to me that Brett Favre just doesn't have a lot to do with himself without standing in front of camera's and microphones yelling "Look at me! I'm a selfish, spiteful ex-hero that isn't getting his rear end kissed enough!"

Being the compassionate, loving guy I am, I really want to help Brett out, so here are some suggestions:

Count your money
This could actually be fun and amazingly time consuming. It can also give a warm feeling of self worth to know how rich you've become, sliding through a college education most had to pay for and playing a kids game for your entire life. Or sliding on a pair of jeans and playing catch with a bunch of models that probably had to be hospitalized after catching your passes.

Hold something else hostage rather than the Green Bay Packers future
Maybe it's just that rush of dangerous excitement you miss, like trying to avoid Michael Strahan for three hours in the old days.
Why not try robbing a bank, or taking hostages? I mean you have experience there. The last five years of your career in Green Bay you held the franchise hostage, refusing to tell them if you were retiring or not until the draft had passed and they had kissed your behind sufficiently.
One warning, if somebody calls your bluff here you end up in jail, not with the Jets...come to think of it that really is kind of similar.

Along those lines, spend some time with Michael Strahan
There's an all time great, one of the very few in any sport, who got it right...quit while you're on top, before your skills diminish and people remember you as a bitter, washed up, has been who couldn't walk away. Kind of like...well...

SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY!!

Get a part time job
I'm thinking greeter at Wal-Mart, maybe?

Find a cure for Swine Flu
That would get you back in the headlines.

Win your local Fantasy Football league
That would show them that not only should you still be quarterback, but you also should have been GM for all those years too.

Sit in front of your TV and drink beer on Sunday like the rest of us
It's really not that bad a way to go. Invite a few friends over and talk about how you would have done it when you played. It's what we all do.

Or better still, keep hanging on
I'm a Bear fan, man. I'm actually kind of enjoying this in a twisted sort of way.

Fugitive from the Library

Hi, I’m Huey and I’m a bookaholic.

Once I had a life. I was an investment advisor in fine art. I was good. I was rich. I lived in an exclusive neighborhood. Everyone loved me. I loved myself. That's all over now. Fate has played a cruel joke on me. I keep myself alive doing various odd jobs in the places I stop, but I can never stay long. I must keep running, always running trying to stay one step ahead of my pursuers. You see, I'm a fugitive from the library.

It started simply enough, keeping those James Michener novels until the due date. It was a head rush, and satisfied me for a while, but soon I found myself hoarding Hemingway and Faulkner until the third day of the three-day grace period. It wasn't long until I was into the harder stuff; Dostoevsky, Rousseau, Thomas Hardy. I knew I was in trouble the night I woke up at 3 a.m. with The Brothers Karamazov in my hands, and Jude the Obscure all over the living room. I had been unconscious for at least two days. God knows what other novels I might have consumed in that time.

There was never enough time to finish them. Soon I took that fateful step that would lead me to the state I'm in today; I stopped taking them back. I knew the consequences of my actions, but my need for novels had grown so intense that I would literally do anything to possess them.

The cards started first. You know, the `'Please return The Secret Sharer by Joseph Conrad so that others might enjoy it" card. I ignored them. I was too deeply into novels to think straight. I was up to four Charles Dickens a day. I knew I needed help when I started Turgnev, but there was no turning back after Fathers and Sons.

Then it happened. I was right in the middle of a collection of Marcel Proust, when I heard a knock at the door. I'd been inside for days devouring the complete works of Jean Paul Sartre, so I was pretty high. The knock came again. Unfortunately I might have to answer the door, and in my state of mind that was not a good idea. I went to the window and looked out just as the knock came again, but with a voice this time.

“This is the library police. You can't escape we've got the place surrounded. Now come out with your Vonnegut's up and nobody will get hurt.”

My God. The library police. The Gestapo had actually rejected their tactics as too cruel and unusual. My mind was racing. What should I do now? Should I give myself up and throw myself on their mercy? What would William Shakespeare do in a situation like this? Probably have a ghost appear on the battlement, but I didn’t have a ghost or a battlement for that matter.

“You’ll never take me alive copper,” I found myself saying. I knew I would regret using that Mickey Spillane.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I ran to my bedroom and took out the gun in my drawer. Then I grabbed a copy of The Seaqull and threw open the front door.

“All right,” I yelled at them. “Nobody moves or Chekhov gets it!”

"He's not bluffing," said the officer in charge, "Everybody stay back."

"Here's the way it's going to work,' I said. 'You’re going to stand back and let me get in my car and drive away from here, understand?"

'Do what he says boys," the chief cop said. “He means it"

I got in my car, and drove off with Chekhov. He was my security. As long as I had Chekhov they wouldn't try anything.

We were on the road a few days when it happened. I saw a used book fair and I knew I had to fix soon. I locked Chekhov in the car and went to take a look. When I came back with some Goethe and Plato I was feeling very high. Then I saw it. The broken window and Chekhov was gone.

I threw Goethe and Plato in the backseat and got out of there as fast as I could. I knew it wouldn't be long before Chekhov brought the police. I didn't know how much of a head start I had. Soon I was out on the highway, each minute taking me further away from trouble.

I got as far as San Antonio before the car broke down. I left Goethe and Plato with it, and continued on foot. I would have taken them with me but I knew I could travel faster alone. I'd read a lot of Faulkner so I headed for California. They had jobs there, but even more so they had big libraries, with lots of novels. I knew I'd need to keep fixing.

I was able to hide from the authorities for several years. But I was unhappy. I don't know when, but I decided I needed to seek help. I think it was the day I woke up with the taste of a Harlequin Romance on my lips that I knew I had to seek a cure for my addiction. I enrolled myself in the Danielle Steel Clinic for those addicted to literature.

I was OKAY for the time being, but I would always be a bookaholic! And I was still a fugitive from the Library Police, but I knew how to handle them now. I knew the most powerful phrase in the English language: ”and they all lived happily ever after.”

Elvis Lives in my Basement

Elvis lives in my basement. He's not picky. He enjoys the privacy. He sleeps on the sofa sleeper and always keeps the rec' room nice and tidy.

We play darts together a lot. Elvis always lets me win.

He's very gracious. That's why he's The King.

Sometimes he picks a fight with Adolf Hitler who lives in my laundry room. But it's always just in fun.

Once Elvis went with me to the mall and entered an "Elvis Impersonator" contest and he won...which was nice.

When my friends come over he always graciously entertains them with a medley of Rogers and Hammerstein show tunes.

I don't ask for rent. After all...he's The King.

Random Questions While Watching the Cubs

Take a Walk on The Wild Side
Do you think Alfonso Soriano knows that if you take four pitches outside of the strike zone that they GIVE you first base?

Whose on Third
Do you think Cleveland would give Mark DeRosa back? I mean just for a little bit. We'd let them borrow somebody for awhile.

Hey...
How about Jeff Szmardija? He and Brady Quinn could hook up again and talk about what happened to their careers.

Witness Protection Program
Has anybody seen Mark Prior lately? Maybe we should call his apartment or something and make sure he's okay.

Just Wondering
Can somebody tell me, what exactly is it that Aaron Miles was supposed to be good at...besides growing a really spiffy beard that is.

What do you think?

We've had a new President for 100 days...What do you think? Can you really tell anything in 100 days?